Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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