There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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