If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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