not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
