she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
