How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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