Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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