checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
