I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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