hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
