Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You're like the curious george of whores
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
