After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
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