Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
