There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
