i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
