dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you guys were way drunker than both of me
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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