Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
My sheets look like a crime scene.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
