I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Randomize
