Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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