9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
