everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
