u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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