My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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