your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
