life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
