Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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