Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
