i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
