He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
