I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Randomize
