My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
