Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
