So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
