im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
