i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
