My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
