Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
