While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
