apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
