last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
why is half of my head shaved?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
