I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
