hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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