girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
