I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
