I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
