you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I see more hoeing in ur future
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