He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
