I want to make a zoo with you.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
