I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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