I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
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