He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
