With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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