everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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