ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
